This is not something that I like to talk about so openly, but I feel like I need to get this down on paper... well, on a screen or something!
Obviously this is a sensitive topic for many because its a personal battle between yourself and this THING. I learnt over the past few months that it is harder to control my horrible depressing feelings. I've felt lonely, empty and most importantly I haven't felt my usual happy, bubbly self... and if I'm honest, I really miss that girl!
Over the months, I've lost a few friends who are aware of my depression, but since then, they have just left and walked out of my life. It shows me who my real friends are. They accepted my physical disability, but I don't feel that they've treated me the same since I told them about my depression and anxiety a few months back.
I try my hardest and paint a big smile on my face. They definitely buy it and think I'm happy, but really deep inside, I couldn't feel any lower than what I felt. Some days are so hard, I simply cannot hold that fake smile on my face and I just need a good cry. That when I turn round, my friends are not there. I know the saying "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best". As a result, I just feel incredibly lonely. My loved ones try their hardest to help me out the best they can, there's medication also, but nothing seems to be helping. It doesn't help that I lack support from my friends. Even though I pretend to be happy so I don't scare them away!
I was reading on the internet that apparently our brains do not fully develop until we are 25 years old, it makes sense that perhaps I do not mentally cope so well as I am 21 years old.
There has been a lot of things lately that haven't helped.
For those of you who have been reading my Twitter updates, I had a problem with my work place. If you don't know, I work in a clothes shop (I cannot disclose which shop unfortunately), but there are targets that staff must meet which includes signing people up for 'points cards'. I know most people do not want points cards, I cannot force them even though I'm told to "keep pushing people", they wont budge. I have to get people to fill out the form themselves (if they do miraculously want one), unlike other staff members I cannot "quickly fill the form out" for the customers. Some customers cannot be bothered to do so and its so just more efficient to fill it out for them if they're feeling lazy. Basically, as you would assume, I'm not meeting these targets as its so difficult to engage with a customer and strain to hear them at the till. I don't have the greatest confidence levels, I feel vulnerable and nervous that I'm going to do something wrong. I lip read and I look at the till to make sure I'm doing the right thing. The last thing I'm thinking about is getting a points card. But since then, I've had two 'conversations' with the manager as I'm not getting any points cards. So that puts more pressure on me.
It is only a part time weekend job (4 hour shifts) so I can earn some money on the side whilst attending Uni. But it just makes me feel so rubbish about myself and incapable. I broke down during this 'conversation' with the manager and she asked why I was upset and I said that its hard to cope with the pressure and all the targets. Really I should be worrying about Uni! I just want a part time job where I don't need to stress about meeting targets. All this stress in my life gradually turned into a big snowball! My confidence has been knocked massively.
I do not really like to talk to my loved ones about this because I feel like a burden. They know how stressed I am because I'm worried about eventually losing my job when I need to save up for a car once I've graduated from Uni this year AND I wanted to go on holiday once I've graduated. I'm sure student finance has probably popped into most of your heads. Yes I have a student finance account, but I use that just for University studies and mainkly my travel fares. It just makes me feel so rubbish. There are so many reasons why I feel like this from personal problems which go way back to July last year. It wasn't a situation to do with me, but it affected me massively and that's what set off my depression and little things like my battle with my local Cineworld to put up subtitled screenings. No one has no idea how much this affects me.
I'm trying to hardest to take my mind off these things and plan things such as my three University talks that I have lined up. What makes me, ME, is raising deaf awareness. It gives me a sense of identity and self worth because I can help others.
I feel angry at the world sometimes. I've always been angry at the world since I was diagnosed with my hearing loss. When I struggle I definitely feel angry and frustrated. Some days I cant face the world and simply cannot get out of bed.
The reason why I wrote this is to raise awareness but also seek advice?
If anyone is familiar with depression or has experienced it themselves, please could you offer me some tips. I know it is possible to beat depression, but I just really want to go back to my old self again... if that's possible?
Everyday feels like water is rising around me and something is pushing my head under water to keep me down. I just want to get my mojo back.