You may have read my post 'Deafie Depression' from last year which I must have wrote round about January 2016. This post is an update on my life and how far I've come since then.
I would love to say a lot of positive things, but unfortunately, that is not the case today.
It was last year when I was properly medically diagnosed by the doctor, although I knew for years that something was not right (my misery through high school etc.). I decided that anti depressants was a way forward to give me some sort of support.
I must have been on them for half a year until I felt I was strong enough and happy enough to carry on without them. Obviously you can't just 'beat' Depression as it is a mental illness that is always there lurking in the background for some people. Coping strategies are key to dealing with and getting on with your life-at least for me it is.
Only recently them horrible depressing feelings have "come back from their holiday and are settling back at home" as I would say. I havent felt 'right' for a few weeks now and I ignored it (stupidly) and ignored professional advice to consider trying the anti depressants again because (stupidly) I thought I was strong enough to deal with it myself. Denial. I thought my coping strategies were enough.
Weeks down the line Ive unfortunately realised I've left it too late. Only now my Depression has "met a new friend called anxiety". One which I have never experienced more than the normal rate. For example; getting nervous about delivering a speech. I've always been an anxious person due to my confidence and my hearing, not knowing what is happening around me. But coupled with Depression , it's the worst duo in the world!
This anxious and depressed Deafie most definitely is not the real me. It's a long way away from the funny, silly, crazy and fun girl that I am. I've unfortunately left it too late and may have lost someone special to me. Rather than speaking up to this person about how I've been feeling and getting the help I needed weeks ago, possibly months ago. I kept it to myself in denial because I wanted a 'normal life'. This weekend has been a tough one for me, it feels like I'm battling my demons and trying hard to remain positive and calm myself down from the anxiety which tightens my chest and feels like I'm breathing through a straw (that one is a new one for me!)
The circumstances aren't great right now, but I'm making the changes that I need to make and already have decided and started my medication two days ago, I've learnt my lesson massively to not bottle things up and let anxiety get one over me. My anxiety makes me look like I don't trust people. My mind goes into overdrive, I never used to be like this before? I used to overthink, but the normal amount.
I just hope that finally admitting to my problem and getting myself sorted is enough. I just hope that it isn't too late. I really don't want to lose out on someone who means the world to me. I haven't been a great person the past few months, I know now why. We both know this is not me and I'm not the person I was two years ago. But I'm determined more than ever to be that person again if it is not too late.
For the sake of all my loved ones, especially this person. I'm still here. I promise. I'm just trying to break out through the shell.
Goldy x
