Friends? What friends?

I was just scrolling on Facebook today when I came across this blog post that the NDCS posted: 

http://bit.ly/1mZQqwR 

It took me back to my school years when I was 17. At that age I hid my hearing aids and always had my hair down everyday for school. I wanted to be liked and accepted and have lots of friends. Of course I did have lots of friends. It was a good feeling! Although, I didn't feel like I was being myself as I was hiding a vital part of me from all of my lovely friends. 

It wasn't until a few years later I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to be open and be proud about my hearing. I did this, and you know what? As a result, I don't have many friends as what I used to. In fact, I could count my friends on one hand! Yep! It's that bad! 

I used to have lots of friends in school and since going our separate ways and being more open with my deafness and my passionate campaigning, I must admit, it has had a massive impact on my relationship with others. As a result, people have backed away from me. Uni is a good example. I walked in the first day with my hair up and proudly told everyone I was deaf or instead joked "I'm a bit rubbish at hearing so you'll have to bear with me!", in hope that it would make them more comfortable if I lightened the mood. But no. To this day I can say I'm not part of any friendship group because you know what? They rejected me. 

There was me thinking that Uni was a start to make new friends and be myself?! 

Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend who is also my best friend. He has lots of close friends and is a popular person. I envy him, but I'm not surprised as he's a lovely person with a great personality. 

I wanted to blog this with complete honesty. I'm here to raise awareness of the realities of living with a hearing loss, including the harsh realities. Here it is. Lately I have been feeling a bit lonely. Maybe I'm just going through a blip? 

I know myself I have a lot to offer in a friendship. I'm not boring, I love to have a joke around, I'm caring, loyal, trustworthy. I love making people laugh and hate seeing people sad. People don't realise, there is more to me than this "girl with no personality". I've been rejected most of my life and it's stooped an all time low. 

I've been asking myself lately, am I not good enough for anyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I really a second class citizen the way I am treated, not an adequate enough human to live a normal human life?

2016 I would like to make some new friends who accept me for me. Where do I start? That's the question.... 

How a bus driver ruined my Monday

I write this post with difficulty as I feel distressed this morning after my horrible bus experience on a Park and Ride bus. 

I'm writing this now whilst it is fresh in my mind after what feels like a long and very uncomfortable journey. 

Today I was unable to catch my usual train to Uni and instead Mum dropped me off at Park and Ride which I regularly use when the train is cancelled. When Mum orders my train tickets online for me using her card, she selects 'PlusBus'. 

For those who are unaware of this, one would be required to pay an extra £3. This can be used on certain buses unlimited times in the day. 

We didn't choose this option to simply save money, but instead this benefits me because of my deafness. I usually rely on the public buses in both Ipswich and Norwich to travel to Uni. I find it quite daunting and I am slowly building up my confidence... Until today when it was cruelly knocked! I rely on the 'PlusBus' ticket because I usually find it difficult to hear how much the journey is costing me. I am perfectly capable of counting my change, I usually end up giving a £5 note to the driver to avoid having to get him or her to repeat numerous times. I have had a horrible experience in the past of a bus driver getting angry at me because I didn't hear, even though I told him about my hearing (but that is another story!) 

I have been using this ticket for 2 years whilst I have been commuting to Uni and I even checked on the Ipswich buses website which says that these tickets are accepted. Park and Ride is included in Ipswich buses, so I've never had this problem before up until today. 

The driver refused to let me use this ticket saying these tickets were not accepted, pointing at a piece of paper. I argued back saying I had been using these tickets for 2 years and it has not been an issue. He further argued back, there was a massive queue behind me so I had to back down and I grabbed a £10 note from my purse... Bearing in mind what I mentioned previously about giving notes because I never catch the precise amount. I always mishear the number which is frustrating. The driver then would not accept this £10 note which led me into further frustration and walked off the bus and into the office to ask the receptionist. I said I needed change as the driver would not let me on the bus because of my 'PlusBus' ticket. She agreed until I pointed out that my ticket was 'between Norwich and ANY route permitted'. She came on to the bus with me to confront the driver and he once again pointed at the piece of paper. His attitude was terrible! She then explained something to him about why this is accepted (I didn't hear what was said) and then he gave up and let me on the bus clearly being rude towards me and he didn't even apologise! 

For me, that felt like a very uncomfortable journey and reduced me to tears! What a great way to ruin my Monday morning and the start to my week! 

 I will be making a formal complaint as I shouldn't be made to feel that way. It has knocked my confidence massively! It is a big deal to me to be using public transport because I'm deaf. 

Happy bloody Monday! :-(

Anxious deafie

I'm sure many of you have experienced anxiety at some point in your lives. It's a common type of feeling we experience when we come across circumstances that make us feel that way.

But what about if you suffered anxiety as a condition? 

Unfortunately for me I have suffered anxiety for quite a while and this has been medically confirmed. It stemmed from bullying in school. My main anxiety was what people said when they laughed behind my back about my hearing and stared. Also I was obsessed with my hair and whether it was thick enough to cover and hide my hearing aids (crazy I know!). I went great lengths to keep my deafness secret, you wouldn't believe, but that's another story. 

I want to raise awareness of this condition, because it's a hidden condition. My anxiety started in high school and begun with one small anxiety, as mentioned above. Unfortunately when my bullies left school and move to college (I stayed in sixth form) I thought that would be the end of my anxieties. I couldn't be any more wrong. 

My life was one big anxiety at one point. All my worries just exploded right in front of me. One example was my fear of going deaf, which I have managed to deal with better now. Basically I would overthink and think the worst. I was negative about everything and didn't think I was capable of overcoming anything. I just felt this mountain of worries piling up whilst I slowly drowned. Similar feelings of drowning experienced with my depression. 

It's important that I communicate with my loved ones to stop this from happening. I need to be open with my feelings and work with people around me as a team to deal and talk about these anxieties. 

Whether they're the most stupidest or randomness anxieties, people need to remain calm and not judge. People need to be understanding. An anxious person in my opinion needs lots of reassurance, to build up his/her confidence. I for one certainly need lots of reassurance! 

This post basically is trying to raise awareness of this hidden condition and suggest possible tips to deal with people who are anxious. I have questioned professionals about this and why I seem to select negative parts of something and not acknowledge the positive. For example, someone talking to me and I only acknowledge certain parts of what they say (the negative bits) and go bananas about it. 

Basically I just worry and worry lol. 

An anxious person can be very negative. It takes time to improve. Provide reassurance and support. Even if it's over the stupidest things. Keep reassuring, even though it can be exhausting. You're actually making a difference to their cognitions and their self esteem. From experience, this gradually works for me.

Support is important. If they're worth it, you can help them and be patient :-) 

Disadvantaged for a University exam

As I promised I would write about my experience from last week (which I have not got round to writing about until now)
We had an exam assessment at Uni. The module for this lesson is 'Contemporary Issues', therefore, for this assessment we must research a Contemporary Issue in Childhood and discuss this in a seminar (a small group of 2-3 other people). Everyone must participate otherwise you will most likely fail.

I spoke with my lecturer regarding this and my concerns of mishearing or not being able to keep up with the conversation. I asked her if it was possible if I could just have two other people in my group so it is easier for me to keep up with the conversation because I want to aim for the best mark I can possibly get. Deafness will not stop me, there just needs to be 'reasonable adjustments' made.
I like to aim as high as I can and try and get a decent mark. I want to finish Uni with a 2:1 if I can. Although, I will still be more than happy with a degree, but I like to have a goal!
So it is important for me to voice my concerns with this assessment. The lecturer simply said to me she will "look into it".

It was not until the day that I learnt to my horror that all the seminar groups of (3-4 people per group) were all going to be doing their seminar discussions TOGETHER IN ONE ROOM!
I seemed to be under the impression that we all had time slots and were doing them on group at a time. Each topic discussed must last 20 minutes minimum, although 30 minute is preferred.

As you can imagine how I felt about this! Everyone talking in one room! It would be incredibly noisy. My hearing aids would pick up on all the voices in the background, so this makes it harder for me to hear the other two girls in my group. So when bringing my marks into the equation, I would either fail or just get a low mark, simple because I was disadvantaged due to my hearing.

I was not going to stand for this, so on the morning this was announced, I approached the lecturer once more, voicing my concerns. She said "we can move you across the room so you are not so close to the other tables". The ignorance! I must highlight, my lecturer is a really lovely person and I do not want to portray her in this blog as a horrible person, because she isn't, she does try her hardest, but this simply was not good enough for me.

An example, those with a hearing loss would be able to understand this: A noisy pub. It is not only due to the noise in your area, but also the background noise of people half way across the pub!
My point is, moving me slightly away from the groups (in a room that is not really as big as you are imagining right now) makes no difference whatsoever. I told my lecturer this, leaving her with a 'last minute problem' to deal with. But it was her own fault, because she did not think to consider me and the possibility of making reasonable adjustments!

I suggested a better option of being placed in this small study room outside the classroom in the corridor to do our seminar so it would be much easier for me to hear and participate, allowing me reach my full potential and get a good mark the best to my ability. Obviously being the exam marker, she has to stay in the room and watch each group talking all at once (seems a bit crazy!) and assesses them on the spot. She said to me "I can't really leave the room to watch your group in the study room as people will get a bit annoyed" meaning, other students will feel frustrated that they will not be able to get good enough marks if my lecturer is not there to witness them. So it was in her hands to deal with.

The afternoon of the seminar exam assessment, I was placed (to my joy) in the study room with two other students! All that moaning to my lecturer worked! (I felt so horrible, but sometimes you need to think of yourself. In this case I would have been academically disadvantaged if I didn't protest otherwise). We had another lecturer who was marking us in the room which was good because she witnessed all 3 discussions, rather than missing odd bits like the other lecturer who would be walking around the room.

I feel that the exam assessment went ok, it was frustrating that the other girls introduced their topics by showing us a video (without subtitles) on their laptops, but I guess it was not their fault because we did not know who we were going to be in a group with until that afternoon. This just meant that they had to summarise the video to me afterwards so I was able to understand. The lack of subtitles just made it harder for me to discuss the video and voice my opinions because I did not really know what was said. I muddled my way through the 1 and 30 minutes-ish. I felt quite tired at the end and just wanted to head straight home. All that lip reading and forced concentration.

I was particularly pleased with how my seminar went. For those who are interested, my topic was about breakfast clubs and how they narrow the gap for poverty. The other two girls discussed 'Female Genital Mutilation' and 'The Childcare Bill 2015', both interesting topics.

I am now awaiting my marks which will probably take at least another week! Fingers crossed I get a good mark! Keep your eyes peeled for updates on my Twitter 'Goldy Deaf Awareness' and I will also blog the result if I have the time.

Failure of the night...

Writing things on my blog helps me deal with situations better. 

Tonight, it was a group situation, sitting outside a pub in a dimly lit area around a round table. I don't want to go into detail about it because I feel absolutely rotten right now. I didn't handle the situation very well because I had an anxiety attack. I panicked because I couldn't hear people in the beer garden due to background noise and sitting in the dark. 

I really honestly did try my hardest, but there is only so much I'm capable of. It breaks my heart so much that the people closest to me don't understand how horrible it feels being isolated. 

I had to go to the toilets because of my anxiety attack and I burst into tears. I couldn't face anyone and couldn't tell anyone because I felt so useless and embarrassed and ashamed. Worst of all I think I must have embarrassed the one person closest to me, because I left the pub so quickly. I felt trapped and breathless, I just had to leave and get out of that horrible noisy place. 

I felt like I didn't belong there, and I know now I don't. I just can't fit into that lifestyle because I can't hear. I've been crying pretty much all night about this. After such a good day raising so much money, my hearing reminded me of how useless I am sometimes. 

Sorry my details are so vague, just not feeling great right now and really upset.  I just feel like a massive failure. I've let down the one person who means a lot to me tonight. 

My tea party fundraiser!



The raffle prizes

As you may know, I am once again, taking part in a fundraising challenge for Action on Hearing Loss. I will be running up the steps of the Heron Tower in London (approx 900-1000 steps). Collecting funds was particularly slow this year, so this forced me to consider some other ways I could raise funds, rather than just asking people. 

My Mum and I had a think and she came up with an amazing idea for having a fundraising tea party! We even decided to do a raffle too for fun! Rather than just having 'smellies' and chocolates as prizes, I asked local businesses if they would donate some prizes. We received a £10 bowling voucher, a beauty salon voucher, 8 free swimming vouchers, a free cut and blow dry and some donations from the shop I work in (M&CO). We also had chocolates too- of course and many other fab prizes! 



Scrummy cakes we made!

We made some invitations and handed them out to neighbours, family and friends and the turn out was brilliant! By 11:30 (the first half hour) the living room was full of people! It was brilliant! Obviously it made it harder for me to 'mingle' because of everyone talking at once! 

 

My elderly neighbours from next door, Jim, and his wife attended. He happens to wear hearing aids and really struggles coping with it. I always speak to him and encourage him to try new things. Today we spoke about tinnitus and I gave him some coping strategies to try out to help relax him. He went into the kitchen because I think the noise was too much for him. So I simply excused myself and went to speak to him. I know the horrible isolating feeling, so I wanted him to feel included and had a good laugh with him and compared experiences.  

 



The invites we designed

Overall, it was a brilliant day! I had so much fun! Even if I didn't have a clue what people were saying most of the time! Haha! But they were all understanding and all there to support my fundraiser and the wonderful charity, Action on Hearing Loss. I made £81.00 for the raffle tickets which was brilliant as the prizes attracted people. 

So overall today I raised a massive £238.00! Now my overall total is so far is.... £486.00! 

If you would like to donate to my just giving page, the link is on my Twitter page: 'Goldy Deaf Awareness'. I will be donating all funds towards the Biomedical Research area of the charity. 

Louise x 

Deaf girl Halloween clubbing!!

Clubbing is fun for most people. Some love it, some hate it. The problem with me is that I love it, but I hate it too. For obvious reasons, my deafness.

 

I'm not a regular club goer, but sometimes a night out is what I need to take the stress away, being able to dance the night away and have a laugh over a few drinks with my friends. Usually I'm reluctant to join people clubbing because of the isolation and embarrassment. The darkness is a devil. I'm unable to see in the night and unable to lipread and hear due to poor lighting and loud music. I know that most people find it difficult to hear in clubs, but can manage when someone is shouting in their ear. That doesn't work for me. I rely on lip reading. 

I went clubbing with my boyfriend and his friends. For once I felt safe and protected when clubbing because not only did I have a lifeguard, paramedic and fireman with me (lol!) just knowing I had my 'deaf aware boyfriend' there on hand to help me out and look after me made me feel invincible. I know I go on about him a fair bit (maybe a bit more than that?!) but I'm trying to emphasise to you all how he has changed my life for the better. 

During the night it started off being difficult to hear due to walking in the dark. It immediately put me on a downer and when my boyfriend asked, I said I was fine, when I'm fact I wasn't. I didn't want to ruin the night for him and I didn't want him to worry or feel bad. But I didn't give up.

I didn't speak at all in the group to begin with because I didn't have a clue what we were talking about in the pub. Then when walking to the bus stop in the dark, everyone was laughing and joking around, yet I felt worse as I couldn't hear what was being said. Still I didn't give up and said to myself that things would get better. Throughout the night I didn't say much because I didn't know what was going on. Instead, I chose to ignore it and just have a fun night with my boyfriend and enjoyed being more involved in his life. It turned out to be a great night out. Only because he was there for me and helped me out lots and looked after me as he knows how vulnerable I feel. I think he's truly amazing.

The reason I say that he is my motivation in life is because, not only do I love him to the moon and back 1000 times, I look up to him as a role model. I know it sounds weird, but I really do look up to him and how positive he is regardless of tough times, he picks himself up and gets on with life, despite its struggles. I would love to be resilient like that. I hope one day I am strong enough to battle my difficulties and be more like him. 

The night ended with me eating a hot dog (apparently, which I do not recall lol) and being a little bit drunk, and as you can imagine my hearing got worse as 'I wasn't quite with it' lol. He still looked after me and protected me. Despite my struggles and feelings of isolation and not being able to appreciate the conversations and humour, I still had a lovely time because both him and his friends made me feel included. 

I hope they all know, especially my boyfriend 'S' how much I really appreciated it.

 

Thank you x