Deafie Depression

This is not something that I like to talk about so openly, but I feel like I need to get this down on paper... well, on a screen or something!

Obviously this is a sensitive topic for many because its a personal battle between yourself and this THING. I learnt over the past few months that it is harder to control my horrible depressing feelings. I've felt lonely, empty and most importantly I haven't felt my usual happy, bubbly self... and if I'm honest, I really miss that girl!

Over the months, I've lost a few friends who are aware of my depression, but since then, they have just left and walked out of my life. It shows me who my real friends are. They accepted my physical disability, but I don't feel that they've treated me the same since I told them about my depression and anxiety a few months back.

I try my hardest and paint a big smile on my face. They definitely buy it and think I'm happy, but really deep inside, I couldn't feel any lower than what I felt. Some days are so hard, I simply cannot hold that fake smile on my face and I just need a good cry. That when I turn round, my friends are not there. I know the saying "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best". As a result, I just feel incredibly lonely. My loved ones try their hardest to help me out the best they can, there's medication also, but nothing seems to be helping. It doesn't help that I lack support from my friends. Even though I pretend to be happy so I don't scare them away!

I was reading on the internet that apparently our brains do not fully develop until we are 25 years old, it makes sense that perhaps I do not mentally cope so well as I am 21 years old.
There has been a lot of things lately that haven't helped.
For those of you who have been reading my Twitter updates, I had a problem with my work place. If you don't know, I work in a clothes shop (I cannot disclose which shop unfortunately), but there are targets that staff must meet which includes signing people up for 'points cards'. I know most people do not want points cards, I cannot force them even though I'm told to "keep pushing people", they wont budge. I have to get people to fill out the form themselves (if they do miraculously want one), unlike other staff members I cannot "quickly fill the form out" for the customers. Some customers cannot be bothered to do so and its so just more efficient to fill it out for them if they're feeling lazy. Basically, as you would assume, I'm not meeting these targets as its so difficult to engage with a customer and strain to hear them at the till. I don't have the greatest confidence levels, I feel vulnerable and nervous that I'm going to do something wrong. I lip read and I look at the till to make sure I'm doing the right thing. The last thing I'm thinking about is getting a points card. But since then, I've had two 'conversations' with the manager as I'm not getting any points cards. So that puts more pressure on me.

It is only a part time weekend job (4 hour shifts) so I can earn some money on the side whilst attending Uni. But it just makes me feel so rubbish about myself and incapable. I broke down during this 'conversation' with the manager and she asked why I was upset and I said that its hard to cope with the pressure and all the targets. Really I should be worrying about Uni! I just want a part time job where I don't need to stress about meeting targets. All this stress in my life gradually turned into a big snowball! My confidence has been knocked massively.

I do not really like to talk to my loved ones about this because I feel like a burden. They know how stressed I am because I'm worried about eventually losing my job when I need to save up for a car once I've graduated from Uni this year AND I wanted to go on holiday once I've graduated. I'm sure student finance has probably popped into most of your heads. Yes I have a student finance account, but I use that just for University studies and mainkly my travel fares. It just makes me feel so rubbish. There are so many reasons why I feel like this from personal problems which go way back to July last year. It wasn't a situation to do with me, but it affected me massively and that's what set off my depression and little things like my battle with my local Cineworld to put up subtitled screenings. No one has no idea how much this affects me.

I'm trying to hardest to take my mind off these things and plan things such as my three University talks that I have lined up. What makes me, ME, is raising deaf awareness. It gives me a sense of identity and self worth because I can help others.

I feel angry at the world sometimes. I've always been angry at the world since I was diagnosed with my hearing loss. When I struggle I definitely feel angry and frustrated. Some days I cant face the world and simply cannot get out of bed.

The reason why I wrote this is to raise awareness but also seek advice?
If anyone is familiar with depression or has experienced it themselves, please could you offer me some tips. I know it is possible to beat depression, but I just really want to go back to my old self again... if that's possible?
Everyday feels like water is rising around me and something is pushing my head under water to keep me down. I just want to get my mojo back.
xxx

Enough is enough! (Cinema complaint)

Enough is enough and I really needed to get my point across to them about their 'accessible' services. Hopefully referring to the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 will wake them up a bit! 

Here is my complaint email: 

Hi 

I have requested many times about showing more subtitled screenings in your cinema via Twitter, which I am sure you are aware of as I have done this numerous times. I'm partially deaf myself and rely on subtitles to watch movies and tv programmes etc. So I can keep up with the story line plot. 

I'm sure you are aware of the Disability Discrimination Act 1995? The legislation requires public bodies to promote equality of opportunity for people with disabilities. By law, service providers are required  to make reasonable adjustments for disabled people to help them to overcome barriers that they may face in accessing and using goods and services. 

I appreciate you are currently screening subtitled screenings 'now and then', sometimes in the second week of release (sometimes!) Although, when referring back to the law of accessible services, this is not considered accessible every day. 

May I make a recommendation of how you could improve your services? I understand you have many screen rooms on your premises? Perhaps I could suggest that one or two of these screening rooms could show subtitled films all day every day? You'd be surprised how many more deaf customers/general customers this would attract! I recently visited your cinema with my hearing boyfriend and his hearing friends to watch a subtitled film, and the cinema was almost full of people! I'm sure most of them were hearing as there were a few familiar faces!

 

I really think you should consider this! There are many hearing impaired people like myself who really enjoy the cinema but unfortunately are unable to go as much as we would like to. I work weekends in a retail shop and attend Uni some weeks days. You have provided two screenings a week for one film on one occasion and I was unable to attend due to it beginning later evening.

 

There are hearing people like myself with commitments who can still find alternative times to attend the cinema. But being deaf with limited subtitled screenings which i cannot attend, this is a bit unfair as I don't have to freedom to attend alternative times whenever I want. I appreciate your current efforts, but I think you need to be made aware that your services are not accessible and this is unlawful. I really hope you listen to my comments and really appreciate the time you've taken to read this. 

I apologise for venting my frustrations, but something really needs to be said. 

I really love the cinema and I would love to attend more often, but limited subtitled screenings really isn't enough and still not considered accessible. 

One should be able to access and use your premises any point during any day in the week. I understand this is difficult, but it is unlawful. I understand currently you have many audio descriptive screenings as I have noticed which is great and accessible for people who are in need of this. I just wish the same could be done for subtitles. 

One of your staff have said to me in the past that subtitles are needed for the 'minority' customers which really offended me because I felt like I didn't matter. 

If your cinema was more accessible I would sign up to your unlimited cineworld card, but for me that would be a waste of money, paying monthly for something I cannot access. My hearing boyfriend has one and throughly enjoys the cinema like myself and make use of his, although in a year we have only been able to watch two subtitled films together which is a shame. 

It is known to me that there are many hearing people who actually don't mind subtitles and find them useful as sometimes clarity isn't very good in movies. I understand some people do not like subtitles and find them annoying in which is why I have suggested that perhaps one or two of your screening rooms could be for screening subtitled films all day every day. This would attract more hearing impaired film lovers like myself if you perhaps advertised your improved accessibility. 

Please could you consider this because it's really upsetting how i keep missing out on films and have to wait until the dvd is in the shops. This is not just for me, but many other people. You can benefit from this as you will attract deaf custom or more hearing custom. 

Kind regards 

Louise

Here is an example of a film that has provided screenings on one occasion, but is not accessible on a daily basis of even a regular basis for subtitled users! 

Friends? What friends?

I was just scrolling on Facebook today when I came across this blog post that the NDCS posted: 

http://bit.ly/1mZQqwR 

It took me back to my school years when I was 17. At that age I hid my hearing aids and always had my hair down everyday for school. I wanted to be liked and accepted and have lots of friends. Of course I did have lots of friends. It was a good feeling! Although, I didn't feel like I was being myself as I was hiding a vital part of me from all of my lovely friends. 

It wasn't until a few years later I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to be open and be proud about my hearing. I did this, and you know what? As a result, I don't have many friends as what I used to. In fact, I could count my friends on one hand! Yep! It's that bad! 

I used to have lots of friends in school and since going our separate ways and being more open with my deafness and my passionate campaigning, I must admit, it has had a massive impact on my relationship with others. As a result, people have backed away from me. Uni is a good example. I walked in the first day with my hair up and proudly told everyone I was deaf or instead joked "I'm a bit rubbish at hearing so you'll have to bear with me!", in hope that it would make them more comfortable if I lightened the mood. But no. To this day I can say I'm not part of any friendship group because you know what? They rejected me. 

There was me thinking that Uni was a start to make new friends and be myself?! 

Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend who is also my best friend. He has lots of close friends and is a popular person. I envy him, but I'm not surprised as he's a lovely person with a great personality. 

I wanted to blog this with complete honesty. I'm here to raise awareness of the realities of living with a hearing loss, including the harsh realities. Here it is. Lately I have been feeling a bit lonely. Maybe I'm just going through a blip? 

I know myself I have a lot to offer in a friendship. I'm not boring, I love to have a joke around, I'm caring, loyal, trustworthy. I love making people laugh and hate seeing people sad. People don't realise, there is more to me than this "girl with no personality". I've been rejected most of my life and it's stooped an all time low. 

I've been asking myself lately, am I not good enough for anyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I really a second class citizen the way I am treated, not an adequate enough human to live a normal human life?

2016 I would like to make some new friends who accept me for me. Where do I start? That's the question....