Insecurities suck...

Ok, first things first. Please don't tell me I'm pretty, please don't tell me I'm brilliant... I'm most definitely not seeking for these kind of comments. 

I'm writing this in desperation... For advice. 

My insecurities started in school... Probably Sixth Form time when I was 18/19 years old. A lot of crap happened during then... A completely different story. Since then my insecurities have got worse. Since getting in my first long term relationship, I would have thought the unhealthy insecurities would go away... Nope, they're worse than ever! 

The constant, will he won't he leave me and "oh look at that girl, she'd make him happier than me" and "if I wasn't deaf I would be a better person than I am" ... The list is incredibly exhaustive, trust me. As you can see, my thoughts are unhealthy which is why I'm asking for advice preferably from people deaf themselves or also with a disability. Only because the reason I'm insecure is because of my deafness. I come across as untrustworthy, when in fact I know that it's my insecurities causing this. 

It's ruining my life and I feel it's going to stop me from settling down. My hearing will deteriorate eventually and right now I'm on a waiting list for an appointment to find out more about a cochlear implant... No decisions have been made, after all, it takes about 3 years of tests and research before anything happens! 

I just don't feel good enough. It doesn't matter if my loved ones say I am. It's the insecurities and the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough like "he can do better than you" and "come on surely you can't blame him if he wanted her" and "you're hardly a catch Louise" and "who's going to want to be a deaf carer all their lives looking after you".

I can't help frustrating people. I don't intend to. For example, I frustrated a loved one in London a lot the other day. It's busy with a lot going on. I'm not familiar and I got visually distracted by my surroundings trying to stay aware as well as follow my loved one who was walking ahead. All the noise droned out and the noise was just 'noise' that I couldn't distinguish. It was confusing and made me feel a bit queasy at time... Or maybe that was the heat? 

I know people get frustrated when you don't hear and think you aren't listening, even loved ones, but I don't think they understand how exhausted I get so quickly and the effects of this... Slower processing time, slower reacting, not picking up on speech etc. It's pretty similar to a normal person feeling very tired.... At the end of a long day. This can happen to me in the morning! It's ridiculous! I also get extremely anxious and ask loads of questions when I don't know what's going on. It stresses me out loads! 

I feel so guilty for my loved ones having to be a carer for me when they should be living their lives instead of being 'stuck' with me.

Deaf Girl in Tenerife

So I thought I would write a short blog about my Tenerife adventures with my hearing boyfriend... 

Before going on holiday I had contacted Thomas Cook regarding inflight entertainment and the provision of subtitles... I was let down and incredibly disappointmented to be told that the provision of subtitles was not possible. This made the flight for me particularly boring at points. I did have the lovely company of my boyfriend, but watching the tv screens for me was frustrating as I wasn't able to enjoy the programmes like everyone else! That is a complaint that I will take further at some point.

Apart from that, the flight went smoothly. My tinnitus was particularly bad during and after the flight, stress was involved, but I always find that my tinnitus is worse after landing, probably something to do with the pressure when being up in the air and when your ears go weird...  I absolutely hate that part! 

I've always been impressed with the visual instructions provided on the flights about the emergency procedures. I watched the flight attendant's demonstration, but being able to hear what was said would have been helpful. Unfortunately that isn't possible for me-obviously! So I just read the laminated handout during the demonstration.

The holiday was overall fab. We did plenty of activities! We went to Europe's best water park, Siam Park, a zoo called 'Loro Parque' and we also tried out some water sports! (Fly fish, parascending and jet skiing!). 

All activities were scary as I had to just 'go for it' not really knowing what was going on half the time as I had to leave my hearing aids on the beach. We told the men who took us out into the ocean about my hearing and to my surprise they were absolutely lovely and brilliant about it. Most of the time when I go on holiday the people over there are not understanding at all. Two years ago in Ibiza I went to go jet skiing with my friend and they told me I wasn't aloud to go on my own jet ski as I was deaf. I was so upset, so had to sit on the back of my friend's jet ski. I did get to have a go at it in the end as my parents put a word in and convinced the guy that I'm capable of driving one! I won't even go there... 

These guys in Tenerife were very understanding and even tried to include me. One thing that made me laugh... The guy cranked up the music really loud on the speed boat which meant I could feel the vibrations of the boat... I don't think he fully realised how deaf I was. He was hoping it would allow me to hear, bless him! I wasn't actually too worried about hearing... I was more worried about bloomin' sharks! Don't ask....

 I haven't got any parascending pictures yet as my boyfriend has them on a memory card. I'll make sure I post a few in a different blog another day!

The hotel was amazing too! It looks a bit like a jungle!