Deafness struggles on the train

I'm writing this as I am waiting for my train connection. 

This morning I travel on my usual two trains from my home town to the city of Norwich. Usually I keep my head down and keep myself to myself. I travel alone and feel exposed because I find it really difficult to hear on the train, due to my hearing aids amplifying the engine, droning down the vocals of other people. 

The train was pretty crowded this morning so I had to stand near the door. I turned around and this man was looking at me and I turned back around facing the door again, then I turned back facing him to see if he was still looking. He actually asked me a question and I didn't hear. 

I was standing in the passageway so I immediately assumed he wanted to get past, so I moved. He looked at me puzzled and then I knew that he didn't ask me to move. Instead he repeated the question again. This time all the people nearby had turned around and were watching me embarrass myself further. Instead, I built up the courage to say in a jokey tone "I'm a bit deaf sorry!" ... That's not really the ideal way to describe my 'severe to profound" hearing loss. I couldn't hear what he said and all I could hear was the roaring engine of the train and the bumps on the train track. 

This lady sitting nearby just laughed a little and thought I was just being funny. She didn't actually realise I wasn't joking. She then repeated to me what the man had said and I didn't hear her either. She then laughed a little more. 

Now I know you're probably thinking that I could have handled the situation better, yes, I agree. It's just the matter of building my confidence to find ways around things and thinking on the spot. So I stood there just wanting the ground to swallow me up. I remained strong and composed and stood there feeling incapable. 

Around 5 minutes later, the lady next to me bent down to the floor, reaching into her bag, and pulled out a notepad and a pen. She then wrote down "the man asked where you were going" I then looked at her and said "OH!!" She then wrote "London?" And I turned to him and said "Norwich!" ... Even though the conversation had passed and it looked a bit random. I felt a little bit better. I usually have a bit of a support with me to help me out. My boyfriend and my Mum are brilliant. I don't know what I would do without them. Instead, I received a little support from a complete stranger! It really restores my faith in mankind! 

Isn't it amazing! The littlest things people do, can make such a big positive impact on someone! It's a shame I never got to thank her properly as she rushed off the train. But I hope she knows how grateful I am! 

 

Educating the 'hearing world' about deafness

Educating the 'hearing world' about deafness sounds exhausting to those who experience deafness. There is so much to understand and it's so difficult to get people to understand. 

I feel that some people 'listen to hear' but don't 'listen to understand' when I'm educating them about deaf awareness. If that makes sense? They hear what we're saying but they're not really understanding from our perspective. We need to help MAKE people understand, that is why I'm so passionate about deaf awareness. Although some people are more understanding and open minded than others...   

        

One person that has restored my faith in mankind is my lovely boyfriend. It's quite difficult to get people to understand in a short period of time, but he has really shocked me (in a good way) and took everything on board, lip reading, my inability to hear in the car etc. I loved particularly how we went shopping today and he helped me out a great deal when it came to getting served in a noisy shop. I hate having to rely on people, but I know he is more than happy to help me out! I always feel vulnerable in situations like that. Just knowing he has my back makes me feel safe and protected. I love him to bits! I'm so so lucky to have him he's absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, but what makes me love him even more is how accepting he has been about my hearing. He treats me like a totally normal human being (rare for me to be treated the same) It's taken me this long to find him and I intend to keep hold of him! I just hope he knows how much he means to me! 

 

The reason I post this 'lovey dovey' post is because I feel it is relevant to my deaf awareness campaign. He is actually one of my main motivations to keep campaigning. 

There are some lovely open minded people out there. Rare to find but if you look hard enough you'll find them. This guy is one example of a lovely kind hearted person you would be extremely lucky to meet. He deserves all the happiness in the world. 

Feeling upset due to ignorance

I wanted to write a blog post about something that has upset me these past couple of days and really put me on a downer. 

The lack of understanding with my deafness. 

I've always found it difficult interacting with others (obvious reasons) the slightest background noise in differing environments and I will completely lose track of the conversation because I miss out on words and sentences. Then BOOM, I'm lost. Group conversations are really difficult, whether the environment is quiet or noisy, if it's a fast paced conversation I would find myself looking back and forth and not realising who is speaking because I can't distinguish the direction the sound is coming from. As a result I miss out on a big chunk of the conversation.

It really frustrates me how people don't understand this and instead make me feel like it's my fault that I can't participate. Usually I would sit there in silence feeling worthless and invisible. I question myself "what am I doing here?" 

I have found over the years, I have confided in a few people to make them understand how upset I am and how isolated I feel, yet the feedback I receive is always something along the lines of "try harder" or "make an effort Louise" or "its your fault not theirs". Every time someone says that to me, they don't realise how rubbish that makes me feel. I pretty much breakdown every time someone says it to me. 

Recently I've felt like this. It's so frustrating. It's knocked my confidence massively and makes me feel worthless. When people say that it's ME that is the problem, I get really upset and burst into tears because I feel like my disability and my struggles are MY fault. People don't understand how much it hurts. 

I have experienced this numerous times over the years. Now I feel is the time to get my message across, because every time someone says that to me, it pushes me away from them. Educating people is stressful and tiring but I really want people to understand how their words can hurt people because of lack of understanding. 

Feel like I've got no energy for hearing groups of people because no one understands. I just feel like I cannot be bothered to interact with people because I feel like it's my fault. I sit there in groups and feel teary because everyone laughs at a joke and I see everyone laughing and I feel like bursting into tears. The last group I was around, I went to the toilet just to escape it so I could compose myself as I was on the verge of crying. 

Really really upset about this and wish people could understand, even those who are close to me. This whole situation makes me feel depressed and not wanting to socialise with anyone. 

Just isolating myself and concentrating on Uni work next week or so :(