Deaf girl Halloween clubbing!!

Clubbing is fun for most people. Some love it, some hate it. The problem with me is that I love it, but I hate it too. For obvious reasons, my deafness.

 

I'm not a regular club goer, but sometimes a night out is what I need to take the stress away, being able to dance the night away and have a laugh over a few drinks with my friends. Usually I'm reluctant to join people clubbing because of the isolation and embarrassment. The darkness is a devil. I'm unable to see in the night and unable to lipread and hear due to poor lighting and loud music. I know that most people find it difficult to hear in clubs, but can manage when someone is shouting in their ear. That doesn't work for me. I rely on lip reading. 

I went clubbing with my boyfriend and his friends. For once I felt safe and protected when clubbing because not only did I have a lifeguard, paramedic and fireman with me (lol!) just knowing I had my 'deaf aware boyfriend' there on hand to help me out and look after me made me feel invincible. I know I go on about him a fair bit (maybe a bit more than that?!) but I'm trying to emphasise to you all how he has changed my life for the better. 

During the night it started off being difficult to hear due to walking in the dark. It immediately put me on a downer and when my boyfriend asked, I said I was fine, when I'm fact I wasn't. I didn't want to ruin the night for him and I didn't want him to worry or feel bad. But I didn't give up.

I didn't speak at all in the group to begin with because I didn't have a clue what we were talking about in the pub. Then when walking to the bus stop in the dark, everyone was laughing and joking around, yet I felt worse as I couldn't hear what was being said. Still I didn't give up and said to myself that things would get better. Throughout the night I didn't say much because I didn't know what was going on. Instead, I chose to ignore it and just have a fun night with my boyfriend and enjoyed being more involved in his life. It turned out to be a great night out. Only because he was there for me and helped me out lots and looked after me as he knows how vulnerable I feel. I think he's truly amazing.

The reason I say that he is my motivation in life is because, not only do I love him to the moon and back 1000 times, I look up to him as a role model. I know it sounds weird, but I really do look up to him and how positive he is regardless of tough times, he picks himself up and gets on with life, despite its struggles. I would love to be resilient like that. I hope one day I am strong enough to battle my difficulties and be more like him. 

The night ended with me eating a hot dog (apparently, which I do not recall lol) and being a little bit drunk, and as you can imagine my hearing got worse as 'I wasn't quite with it' lol. He still looked after me and protected me. Despite my struggles and feelings of isolation and not being able to appreciate the conversations and humour, I still had a lovely time because both him and his friends made me feel included. 

I hope they all know, especially my boyfriend 'S' how much I really appreciated it.

 

Thank you x 

Deafness struggles on the train

I'm writing this as I am waiting for my train connection. 

This morning I travel on my usual two trains from my home town to the city of Norwich. Usually I keep my head down and keep myself to myself. I travel alone and feel exposed because I find it really difficult to hear on the train, due to my hearing aids amplifying the engine, droning down the vocals of other people. 

The train was pretty crowded this morning so I had to stand near the door. I turned around and this man was looking at me and I turned back around facing the door again, then I turned back facing him to see if he was still looking. He actually asked me a question and I didn't hear. 

I was standing in the passageway so I immediately assumed he wanted to get past, so I moved. He looked at me puzzled and then I knew that he didn't ask me to move. Instead he repeated the question again. This time all the people nearby had turned around and were watching me embarrass myself further. Instead, I built up the courage to say in a jokey tone "I'm a bit deaf sorry!" ... That's not really the ideal way to describe my 'severe to profound" hearing loss. I couldn't hear what he said and all I could hear was the roaring engine of the train and the bumps on the train track. 

This lady sitting nearby just laughed a little and thought I was just being funny. She didn't actually realise I wasn't joking. She then repeated to me what the man had said and I didn't hear her either. She then laughed a little more. 

Now I know you're probably thinking that I could have handled the situation better, yes, I agree. It's just the matter of building my confidence to find ways around things and thinking on the spot. So I stood there just wanting the ground to swallow me up. I remained strong and composed and stood there feeling incapable. 

Around 5 minutes later, the lady next to me bent down to the floor, reaching into her bag, and pulled out a notepad and a pen. She then wrote down "the man asked where you were going" I then looked at her and said "OH!!" She then wrote "London?" And I turned to him and said "Norwich!" ... Even though the conversation had passed and it looked a bit random. I felt a little bit better. I usually have a bit of a support with me to help me out. My boyfriend and my Mum are brilliant. I don't know what I would do without them. Instead, I received a little support from a complete stranger! It really restores my faith in mankind! 

Isn't it amazing! The littlest things people do, can make such a big positive impact on someone! It's a shame I never got to thank her properly as she rushed off the train. But I hope she knows how grateful I am! 

 

Educating the 'hearing world' about deafness

Educating the 'hearing world' about deafness sounds exhausting to those who experience deafness. There is so much to understand and it's so difficult to get people to understand. 

I feel that some people 'listen to hear' but don't 'listen to understand' when I'm educating them about deaf awareness. If that makes sense? They hear what we're saying but they're not really understanding from our perspective. We need to help MAKE people understand, that is why I'm so passionate about deaf awareness. Although some people are more understanding and open minded than others...   

        

One person that has restored my faith in mankind is my lovely boyfriend. It's quite difficult to get people to understand in a short period of time, but he has really shocked me (in a good way) and took everything on board, lip reading, my inability to hear in the car etc. I loved particularly how we went shopping today and he helped me out a great deal when it came to getting served in a noisy shop. I hate having to rely on people, but I know he is more than happy to help me out! I always feel vulnerable in situations like that. Just knowing he has my back makes me feel safe and protected. I love him to bits! I'm so so lucky to have him he's absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, but what makes me love him even more is how accepting he has been about my hearing. He treats me like a totally normal human being (rare for me to be treated the same) It's taken me this long to find him and I intend to keep hold of him! I just hope he knows how much he means to me! 

 

The reason I post this 'lovey dovey' post is because I feel it is relevant to my deaf awareness campaign. He is actually one of my main motivations to keep campaigning. 

There are some lovely open minded people out there. Rare to find but if you look hard enough you'll find them. This guy is one example of a lovely kind hearted person you would be extremely lucky to meet. He deserves all the happiness in the world. 

Feeling upset due to ignorance

I wanted to write a blog post about something that has upset me these past couple of days and really put me on a downer. 

The lack of understanding with my deafness. 

I've always found it difficult interacting with others (obvious reasons) the slightest background noise in differing environments and I will completely lose track of the conversation because I miss out on words and sentences. Then BOOM, I'm lost. Group conversations are really difficult, whether the environment is quiet or noisy, if it's a fast paced conversation I would find myself looking back and forth and not realising who is speaking because I can't distinguish the direction the sound is coming from. As a result I miss out on a big chunk of the conversation.

It really frustrates me how people don't understand this and instead make me feel like it's my fault that I can't participate. Usually I would sit there in silence feeling worthless and invisible. I question myself "what am I doing here?" 

I have found over the years, I have confided in a few people to make them understand how upset I am and how isolated I feel, yet the feedback I receive is always something along the lines of "try harder" or "make an effort Louise" or "its your fault not theirs". Every time someone says that to me, they don't realise how rubbish that makes me feel. I pretty much breakdown every time someone says it to me. 

Recently I've felt like this. It's so frustrating. It's knocked my confidence massively and makes me feel worthless. When people say that it's ME that is the problem, I get really upset and burst into tears because I feel like my disability and my struggles are MY fault. People don't understand how much it hurts. 

I have experienced this numerous times over the years. Now I feel is the time to get my message across, because every time someone says that to me, it pushes me away from them. Educating people is stressful and tiring but I really want people to understand how their words can hurt people because of lack of understanding. 

Feel like I've got no energy for hearing groups of people because no one understands. I just feel like I cannot be bothered to interact with people because I feel like it's my fault. I sit there in groups and feel teary because everyone laughs at a joke and I see everyone laughing and I feel like bursting into tears. The last group I was around, I went to the toilet just to escape it so I could compose myself as I was on the verge of crying. 

Really really upset about this and wish people could understand, even those who are close to me. This whole situation makes me feel depressed and not wanting to socialise with anyone. 

Just isolating myself and concentrating on Uni work next week or so :( 

Another trip to the zoo!

So me and my boyfriend took another trip to Colchester Zoo for the day! Once again it was a lovely day out, we even got a bit of sun! For any deaf individual who loves the zoo, I would recommend perhaps visiting Colchester zoo. It is very visual and therefore inclusive for those who may have a hearing impairment. 

I particularly loved the sensory experiences where you can get up close to the animals. This time we visited the Lemur enclosure and managed to get very close to a Lemur which climbed onto us! It appeared to like my handbag and licked my bottle of Sprite! Soo cute though! 

 

We were transported to the Lemur enclosure by a little train that goes around the zoo. The only thing that I can fault is that the lady driver was speaking through a microphone I think? Someone www talking! But I obviously didn't hear it. But it was still nice to just look around! I'm quite a visual person so I wasn't too bothered! Had an all round lovely day though! 

Deaf girl in love

I just wanted to write a quick soppy post. If you hate lovey dovey stuff, then please stop reading... Don't say I didn't warn you! 

A long time ago (I feel old saying that!) I gave up on love. I was going through a tough time as I was in denial about my hearing and tried to 'forget' about it and try and be 'normal' just like everyone else. I didn't tell anyone about my hearing and felt ashamed that I had to rely on hearing aids. All I wanted to be was 'normal' like everyone else. It's safe to say I wasn't happy with myself. I gave up with pretty much everything. If I couldn't love myself, "how could anyone love me? Because I'm like THIS?!"... That's what I thought. 

I was bullied at school because of my deafness once everyone worked out what was 'wrong' with me. I eventually isolated myself because of my low confidence, pretty much giving up on life. I thought that I didn't deserve to be happy and I am 'not good enough' to live a life like other people because I am deaf. 

Years passed, I had experienced depression in school as I felt the lowest of the lows and hated myself. I didn't feel good enough for anything. I left school eventually and soon met this wonderful human being who changed my life dramatically. He taught me many things like how to love myself and how it doesn't matter what other people think. He accepted me as I am. I must admit it did surprise me how well he took it after I had to 'break the news' to him on our first date. He was amazing... Well, he IS amazing! 

I have known many people all my life and most I wouldn't consider 'deaf aware' as I have to keep constantly reminding them. I have known my wonderful boyfriend for just over 6 months now and I would definitely consider him to be 'deaf aware'. There are some lovely people out there who will accept you, just like him. I didn't believe that until I met him. He has completely restored my faith in mankind!

It's been a tough few months and he's been by my side 100%. Without him I would be completely lost! When I have my down days about my hearing, he keeps me postive and reminds me how amazing I am and how far I have come (his words not mine!) I'm hoping for many happy memories to be made in the future with him, because he is simply amazing. 

To those who are finding it hard to accept their hearing, there is someone out there for everyone. When I gave up, I was lucky to meet my Prince Charming. He is a 'hearing person' and wasn't familiar with communicating with a severely deaf individual and has taken everything on board and been incredibly patient. In the car, loud parties, bowling, the pub, noisy restaurants.... All the places I would avoid, but he makes me feel comfortable with myself, because of him I'm beginning to learn to accept my hearing loss. I hope he knows how special he is to me. Without his support I wouldn't be here today. I feel like the luckiest girl alive!

Deaf Girl In Ibiza! ☀️☀️☀️

So, as many of you know. I went on a girly holiday with one of my best friends, Chloe. It was my first holiday abroad without my parents. Most 20 year olds would be excited for the independence. Instead, I was pretty nervous as my friend had never been abroad before and therefore it was more pressure for me to lead us through the airport etc. As you can imagine trying to listen to things in a busy airport is a NIGHTMARE because of my deafness! Myself and my friend decided that it would be best if she was 'the ears' and answered any questions and I led us through the airports as I was familiar with the environment. It worked well! A great team we are! 

Fast forward to Ibiza. It was lovely! Really really hot! The locals were friendly but hard to understand! The hotel workers all had Spanish accents too, some Spanish people we came across, I was able to understand and others... Well, I won't go there! So frustrating! Accents and me do not go well together! 

We spent most of the holiday chilling on the beach or by the pool. It was nice and there was little pressure as we relaxed. Although, one particular day, we decided to visit the water park which was "around the corner" as we were told! I reckon it was a good 3 or 4 miles I would say! Not good! The rep was very vague with directions, so we had to ask the locals for directions... THAT is where my friend came in. I felt helpless standing there, but there was nothing I could do about it. I simply couldn't understand their accents!

The water park was fun, regardless of not hearing anything! We went on this big slide where people race down and the lifeguard blows a whistle which signals when to go... Who came last? ME! Oops! I had to watch the lifeguard but obviously I wouldn't hear the whistle as I am pretty deaf without my hearing aids. My friend decided to tap my leg when the whistle went the next time. I was still late letting go of the bar, but hey! I had fun even though I lost each time! Haha! 

As we got tired we decided to head back. My hair was still wet so I couldn't really put my hearing aids in as I didn't want to risk them getting damp. So I let my hair dry. Only problem was, we had to walk back to the hotel. Quite a challange crossing the roads I must admit! I relied completely on my vision when crossing roads. I'm lucky to be alive I reckon! The roads out in Spain are nothing like England. The people driving them certainly aren't! Zebra crossings for example, most of the time people stop and let you cross. Not one single person stopped! It was a nightmare crossing roads! I had to grab on to my friend and we had to run whilst I was looking all around me frantically. Haha! Probably looked bonkers. But it's better than getting hit by a car isn't it! It's safe to say, I never want to experience that again! Phew! 

The hotel was lovely. The only let down I must say, was the fact that we had to wait for 8 hours for our room! Pretty stressful when you've just been travelling and just want to lay down on your bed. Nightmare! It was frustrating for myself as I kept complaining as they said "your room will be ready in 1 hour" and I went back each hour and it still wasn't ready. I then complained as it got ridiculous, the receptionist lacked basic English and ME, well I lacked hearing and couldn't understand half of what he said! Nightmare! ... We got there eventually! ... 8 hours of waiting! 

The holiday went by quickly and soon came to an end and it was time to board the plane. We went with Thomas Cook. Only thing I could fault them for is their TV screens. I have tweeted them regarding this. I think that their screenings should have subtitles on. I didn't actually have any headphones on me. But that wouldn't do much for me as I rely heavily on subtitles. There were some things that I wanted to watch on the TV but couldn't, because there were no subtitles. Whether or whether i didn't have headphones. I think all flights should have subtitled screenings to make them inclusive. 

Anyone with questions or comments, feel free to ask me anything! I'm interested to hear! 

Louise x