Friday, 6 November 2015

Failure of the night...

Writing things on my blog helps me deal with situations better. 

Tonight, it was a group situation, sitting outside a pub in a dimly lit area around a round table. I don't want to go into detail about it because I feel absolutely rotten right now. I didn't handle the situation very well because I had an anxiety attack. I panicked because I couldn't hear people in the beer garden due to background noise and sitting in the dark. 
I really honestly did try my hardest, but there is only so much I'm capable of. It breaks my heart so much that the people closest to me don't understand how horrible it feels being isolated. 

I had to go to the toilets because of my anxiety attack and I burst into tears. I couldn't face anyone and couldn't tell anyone because I felt so useless and embarrassed and ashamed. Worst of all I think I must have embarrassed the one person closest to me, because I left the pub so quickly. I felt trapped and breathless, I just had to leave and get out of that horrible noisy place. 

I felt like I didn't belong there, and I know now I don't. I just can't fit into that lifestyle because I can't hear. I've been crying pretty much all night about this. After such a good day raising so much money, my hearing reminded me of how useless I am sometimes. 

Sorry my details are so vague, just not feeling great right now and really upset.  I just feel like a massive failure. I've let down the one person who means a lot to me tonight. 


  1. Sorry to hear you felt like this and breaks my heart because I've felt it too. Us deafies are amazing at so much. Please don't feel like a failure there is nothing to fail at in our situation. You can argue till the cows cone home about who tried harder than who but at the end of the day it must have been a really long day for you that takes its toll on how much lip reading you can do! It's never about effort. Pick yourself up today get some cake or whatever you do to cheer yourself and make it another good day. Xxxx

  2. It probably doesn't help, but please know that all of us have been through similar situations. I had one just a few weeks ago and I don't blame myself or the friends I was with, it was just a tricky venue in which to socialise when you have no hearing. It's so easy to beat yourself up, but please don't. Think about how you'd behave, the advice you would give, if you were talking to a friend who'd just related the same story you shared above. You'd be kind and understanding, you'd hug them and reassure them that of course they hadn't let anyone down, they overcome obstacles everyday with grace and good humour. What I'm trying to say is, be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else you care about.