Saturday, 17 October 2015

Feeling upset due to ignorance

I wanted to write a blog post about something that has upset me these past couple of days and really put me on a downer. 

The lack of understanding with my deafness. 

I've always found it difficult interacting with others (obvious reasons) the slightest background noise in differing environments and I will completely lose track of the conversation because I miss out on words and sentences. Then BOOM, I'm lost. Group conversations are really difficult, whether the environment is quiet or noisy, if it's a fast paced conversation I would find myself looking back and forth and not realising who is speaking because I can't distinguish the direction the sound is coming from. As a result I miss out on a big chunk of the conversation.

It really frustrates me how people don't understand this and instead make me feel like it's my fault that I can't participate. Usually I would sit there in silence feeling worthless and invisible. I question myself "what am I doing here?" 

I have found over the years, I have confided in a few people to make them understand how upset I am and how isolated I feel, yet the feedback I receive is always something along the lines of "try harder" or "make an effort Louise" or "its your fault not theirs". Every time someone says that to me, they don't realise how rubbish that makes me feel. I pretty much breakdown every time someone says it to me. 

Recently I've felt like this. It's so frustrating. It's knocked my confidence massively and makes me feel worthless. When people say that it's ME that is the problem, I get really upset and burst into tears because I feel like my disability and my struggles are MY fault. People don't understand how much it hurts. 

I have experienced this numerous times over the years. Now I feel is the time to get my message across, because every time someone says that to me, it pushes me away from them. Educating people is stressful and tiring but I really want people to understand how their words can hurt people because of lack of understanding. 

Feel like I've got no energy for hearing groups of people because no one understands. I just feel like I cannot be bothered to interact with people because I feel like it's my fault. I sit there in groups and feel teary because everyone laughs at a joke and I see everyone laughing and I feel like bursting into tears. The last group I was around, I went to the toilet just to escape it so I could compose myself as I was on the verge of crying. 

Really really upset about this and wish people could understand, even those who are close to me. This whole situation makes me feel depressed and not wanting to socialise with anyone. 
Just isolating myself and concentrating on Uni work next week or so :( 


  1. I can totally relate to your entire Blog.
    When I meet people for the first time, all they see is my disability, but as they get to know me , they see Me but then forget the difficulties I face in everyday life.
    Going out is a struggle, people see me as quiet , arrogant, rude for not joining in to conversations. Which makes depression my hardest battle.

    Yes , I can relate to your situation, but you are so much more than I can ever be.
    Each "Challenge " you have done , or are planning to do, just look at each of the people who have sponsored you or sent you a good luck message. They believe in you, and the cause your championing.

    You really do make a difference .

  2. Thank you! That really means a lot. Depression sucks, but gives me more of a reason to educate others. That's my one battle in life!

  3. I have felt like you so many times before.
    Please remember that it is not our deafness that is a disability but other people's lack of of awareness and understanding that disables us.
    It is hard to educate the people but do not give up

  4. I totally understand how you feel, I lost most of my hearing over the last 2 years and I think most people around me don't understand how little I can hear. This is a great post, thanks for raising awareness and not giving up. x

  5. I can relate to this. I'm profoundly deaf, can speak reasonably okay and fluent in BSL. It is definitely not easy and can be heart breaking. You deserve to hang around with people who are willing to involve you in conversations and change the situation to meet your needs. Some people tend to forget about deaf people who have difficulties in picking things up. It happened to me many times over the years. I have a thicker skin, so if I feel I miss something good out I include myself to make people aware of their positions and make sure I understand what is being said. I've learnt to ask them to repeat what they said. There have been conversations where I didn't include myself because they were talking about trivial or topics I had no interest in. I guess thats ok! :)

    1. By the way I wonder if you know BSL?

    2. Hey! No I don't know BSL. I know a few basic signs, but I'm not fluent lets say haha!