Monday, 18 July 2016

Insecurities suck...

Ok, first things first. Please don't tell me I'm pretty, please don't tell me I'm brilliant... I'm most definitely not seeking for these kind of comments. 
I'm writing this in desperation... For advice. 

My insecurities started in school... Probably Sixth Form time when I was 18/19 years old. A lot of crap happened during then... A completely different story. Since then my insecurities have got worse. Since getting in my first long term relationship, I would have thought the unhealthy insecurities would go away... Nope, they're worse than ever! 

The constant, will he won't he leave me and "oh look at that girl, she'd make him happier than me" and "if I wasn't deaf I would be a better person than I am" ... The list is incredibly exhaustive, trust me. As you can see, my thoughts are unhealthy which is why I'm asking for advice preferably from people deaf themselves or also with a disability. Only because the reason I'm insecure is because of my deafness. I come across as untrustworthy, when in fact I know that it's my insecurities causing this. 

It's ruining my life and I feel it's going to stop me from settling down. My hearing will deteriorate eventually and right now I'm on a waiting list for an appointment to find out more about a cochlear implant... No decisions have been made, after all, it takes about 3 years of tests and research before anything happens! 

I just don't feel good enough. It doesn't matter if my loved ones say I am. It's the insecurities and the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough like "he can do better than you" and "come on surely you can't blame him if he wanted her" and "you're hardly a catch Louise" and "who's going to want to be a deaf carer all their lives looking after you".

I can't help frustrating people. I don't intend to. For example, I frustrated a loved one in London a lot the other day. It's busy with a lot going on. I'm not familiar and I got visually distracted by my surroundings trying to stay aware as well as follow my loved one who was walking ahead. All the noise droned out and the noise was just 'noise' that I couldn't distinguish. It was confusing and made me feel a bit queasy at time... Or maybe that was the heat? 

I know people get frustrated when you don't hear and think you aren't listening, even loved ones, but I don't think they understand how exhausted I get so quickly and the effects of this... Slower processing time, slower reacting, not picking up on speech etc. It's pretty similar to a normal person feeling very tired.... At the end of a long day. This can happen to me in the morning! It's ridiculous! I also get extremely anxious and ask loads of questions when I don't know what's going on. It stresses me out loads! 

I feel so guilty for my loved ones having to be a carer for me when they should be living their lives instead of being 'stuck' with me.

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